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Between January and October... What the hell?� I donapos;t even know the last time I�checked LiveJournal.� No kidding.� I�had to reset my password because I�couldnapos;t remember what it was

So much has happened between January and October 11th.� No point really in backlogging it all, but the important stuff is that I am trying to change.

I am trying to be a different person... And in some ways itapos;s GOOD.� I�am not trying to change my core.� I�am just trying to be more true to the person I�am.� It started because of Gustav.� I stopped at a gas station in Jackson and I�ended up buying a homeless man a cup of coffee, a bag of chips (thatapos;s what he wanted... I told him to get some bread or crackers or peanut butter or anything), and a pack of cigarettes.� He reminded me of how I�want to be a humanist, how I�CLAIM�to be a humanist.� That day reminded me of that person I�was 18 years ago.� The one who loved everyone unconditionally.

I�want her back.

I�want to be her again.� And Iapos;ve been talking to someone interesting since about a week before Gustav who keeps reminding me of Tim McGrawapos;s song "Live like youapos;re Dying."� So Iapos;ve been doing things that most people in my life think is obscure and NOT�me
�� - yes, Iapos;ve been smoking... It helps me remember to BREATH.� i know some of you hate it about me and think i am killing myself, but for now i am doing it to settle my mind and bring myself back to certain people and things from my past
�� - i am answering my phone and texting people.� people matter to me and i need to be connected to my people.
�� - i walked the NO/AIDS walk by myself.� i didnapos;t want to be by myself, but it was more important to me to do it, even if i was alone, than to not do it at all..� it reminded me of a different time in my life
�� - i am trying to cry when i need to.� i found out a previous boss of mine hung himself, and instead of bottling it up and not meeting my feelings head on, i am letting my emotions flow.� when i need to stop and be sad, i am.
�� - i am not grading my papers.� this is a bad thing.� i really need to be focusing on my students, but i donapos;t want to be consumed by my students either.� so i have to figure out a way to put that in perspective still.� i am working on that though
�� - i am going to virginia to see my fam for a few days for the first time since february 2003.� i am a wreck about this, but hopefully i wonapos;t be there long enough for too much damage to be done.� i need to MEET some of my cousins and see my grandparents.

thatapos;s all i got right now though.� itapos;s not really anything important and yet itapos;s important to me.� i will try to check with this more regularly.
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