chalk made of

It has been pretty rough going this week. My boyfriend is in the midst of an identity crisis, and thereapos;s nothing that I can say or do to make it better. He was working out east all summer, and one of the people he worked with became his very good friend. Except that they never really were just friends; his friend is gay, and Monday afternoon my boyfriend confided to me that he has feelings for his new friend. Romantic feelings.

I feel so lost and confused about the whole situation. My boyfriend says he isnapos;t physically attracted to his friend, but he would go a long way out of his way to please this friend, even if it meant doing something that wasnapos;t necessarily his thing. Meanwhile, he says heapos;s still in love with me, and he wants to be with me too. He says he has always felt emotionally connected to his friend, whereas he hasnapos;t either ever, or recently, with me. Itapos;s a painful situation made worse by the fact that his friend is scheduled to visit here in about three weeks. My boyfriend and his friend talk on the phone for 2+ hours everyday, so Iapos;m thinking that maybe Iapos;ll ask my boyfriend for the same. An hour or so of uninterrupted us time, where I donapos;t have to worry about anything but him, and he doesnapos;t have to worry about anything but me, and we can talk and I can try to figure out how to connect with him emotionally.

I could make the situation better for everyone if I didnapos;t love him so much. If I just dumped him and said that was the end of it, it would make his life so much easier. But it would break my heart and I wouldnapos;t be being true to myself if I did. Iapos;ve been kind of hoping that he might pop the question on towards the end of the school year when we get graduation and grad school figured out. Iapos;m still hoping we can work things out in that direction, but I get the feeling that my boyfriend isnapos;t going to be able to figure things out until he knows for sure whether or not he can make things work with his friend. But thatapos;s just the pessimist in me speaking out.

Itapos;s been a rough week; I pretty much come close to breaking down 2-3 times a day. I walked into my advisorapos;s office this afternoon for our independent study meeting and nearly cried, and the poor woman saw how distressed I was and she almost cried too.

Mostly, I really just need to relax, because me freaking out about the situation is only going to make things worse for me, and certainly not easier for him.

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