conditional first second

This year itapos;s bad. I�donapos;t know why; itapos;s five years. Maybe five years is some magic number that makes it hurt more and slice inside me and make me feel like Iapos;m bleeding internally while wrapped in a heavy blanket.

Disney store changed everything. The whole layout. New snowglobes that arenapos;t the same as the others. I�donapos;t like it. I�donapos;t like much of anything right now.

Why didnapos;t I�die, too?�I know why, and I�know I�canapos;t now, but...this missing him is hideous. Itapos;s this gaping, hideous wound of aching missing him when heapos;s not here. I�tried to distract myself by thinking of other things, but it didnapos;t work. I�still have the heavy blanket on. I�can feel it. I�canapos;t sleep anymore at all hardly. It hurts. Itapos;s scary and it hurts to even get there...and I�asked the only person I could think of for help, and they hurt me, too (Weapos;ll equate that to my getting punched in the nose, okay?).

My heart hurts. A lot.

I�didnapos;t want to love anyone, anyway.
conditional first second, conditional first, conditional final payment release upon waiver.